My sensitivity has not meant my banishment from belonging, it has been my pathway to deep connection. I’m remembering that the mistaken beliefs I took from my early experiences [people won’t understand me or accept me fully because I’m too sensitive and too much] weren’t ever actually true.
The narratives we inhabit about HOW THINGS ARE are constructed by evidence in our memories that convince us that ‘this is how it’s been’ and ‘this is how it’s always going to be’…that the way we feel now [wounded/rejected/stuck/inadequate/isolated] is how we’ve always been and how we’ll always be…
I’m amazed at how I can look back at the same set of experiences and find evidence for a completely different story.
Tenderly, I notice my web of experiences. I trace back the lines from the present to the past. I visit my past selves. I comfort them. I look at my past selves through the eyes of immense compassion and gentleness. I see her through the eyes of wonder and awe. I acknowledge her. I thank her. I speak to her.
I ask her if she wants to join me here in the present, to see how things have changed, how yes, bad things happened, but now, here, there is so much to be grateful for, there is so much I’ve navigated and sought and found and created. So much that’s changed. I ask her, this hurting past self showing herself to me, what she needs. What would feel good for her to express and receive. a scream? a cry? a hug? A nap? a bath? a letter? a dance? A promise? A reminder?
Today I had a flash of memories of my childhood that were complete joy. I remembered swimming and sleepovers and reading books under trees and having huge family dinners and discovering leadership and realizing what mattered to me and even in the midst of the pains of inadequacy, I let my curiosity guide me, I took courageous steps. I see that I rose. I see that I hurt. I see that I continued. I see that I had fun. I see that pain takes up the most psychic energy, but it wasn’t actually all there was. I see that there are many stories existing simultaneously within me. I see that now I can meet the unmet needs of my childhood. I see that I’ve always been loved. I see how I’ve always had this fire within me. I see how grace visits me again and again to welcome into the fold the infinite textures of my humanity.
What would your future wise self say to you now?
What within you wants to be known?
What wants to be heard?
What do you know to be true?