Today I flew to North Carolina to film the wedding of my former employee. ❤️❤️❤️❤️ I was last here three and half years ago filming the first client project I ever did on my own. Today I was reminiscing about that trip- it was my first time renting a car (I became intensely scared of driving as a symptom of the abuse) and I remember gripping the wheel, driving down the green corridors, blasting music and feeling something (my soul) tell me yes yes yes you can do thissss…a whisper, more of this is coming…. It felt like such a leap in that moment to realize that the doubt that had been consuming me wasn’t the true story of who I am. I felt a shift from only looking at what could be wrong with me, to what I am on my own…rather than what kind of life Im worthy inhabiting…I could claim what I wanted and trust in myself to align with that. I could follow my inner knowing, follow what brings me joy, be ok…Today I feel on such different ground but similar in that I’m completing a season of inwardness, of questioning and grappling, tossing over tunes of unknowing, feeling in the fog…but now I trust in my full range. here again, the same wonder and possibility fills me, telling me to trust in the next phase of my soul’s expression…that each cycle and season is in service of my life’s journey, here to pull me deeper into this fabric of existence….what a beautiful unfolding it is…
How might we soften into ourselves more? How might we see our wholeness? Shadow and light…the seeable and the unconscious…naming the ego- how we like to think of ourselves, what we run away from, the judgements we cast on others to avoid our own insecurities, the harshness of our inner dialogue at times….and then sink into our souls…we are in these bodies on this earth and we are eternal in our essence…let us feel the river of our breath, find the place of being beyond our stories of who we are…our identities in our hands like yarn loosely hanging, like the clouds. We are always creating. Let us notice curiously the landscape of our changing inner terrain with gentleness and compassion. Let us find the courage to be here now.
Today I spent several hours walking around Manhattan while running errands before my flight home to Berkeley. I reveled so fully in the delight of connection on the street. The willing smiles. The small moments of exchange. The evolving wonder. The endless curiosity. Simultaneous realities meeting. Each of us in our constant becoming. Walking and
My sensitivity has not meant my banishment from belonging, it has been my pathway to deep connection. I’m remembering that the mistaken beliefs I took from my early experiences [people won’t understand me or accept me fully because I’m too sensitive and too much] weren’t ever actually true. The narratives we inhabit about HOW THINGS
In the stillness
I feel my inner hum
I tune into my vibrating map
I notice the shifts in sensation
I feel what is here to be felt
Grief snaking through in waves
We met at the hot springs a little over a month ago. I sat across from her and her eyes were like open arms. I asked for her number. She invited me to dance on a Sunday morning and when I saw her, it was on. I was wrapped up in her arms, sitting on the ground at the end when I looked across the room and saw my abusive ex boyfriend. Part of why I moved across the country was to be far away from him and then there he was. Safe and enveloped in her, I realized I had nothing to say to him. It was over. Far. Done. He felt like a distant memory and my current reality was mine. I turned towards her and by the time I turned around awhile later, he was gone. That moment has opened up so much for me. A new understanding of how far I’ve come and how free I am. We shared a lot of joy in a short amount of time and our connection has helped my heart bloom again. She left today to another state and is not planning on returning anytime soon. She’s heard a call and she has to follow it. I’m feeling the loss of her presence (for sure), but i deeply respect her journey. I’m grounded in my wholeness, grateful for what we shared and ready to continue on the path of ever deepening love…
Burning man was so many things for me. An exquisite range of experience and honestly, I’ve never felt more seen in my life. I spent one night in a geodescent dome (that I helped build) with two people, a man and a woman, I had just met. It started as a snuggle session to keep
[note: I’m obvi speaking from my experience as a queer white woman. The ‘we’ I belong to is women.] When we name that patriarchy & white supremacy are traumatizing systems, healing becomes political. Shame, a symptom of trauma, often convinces us that we are broken because we’ve been hurt. That we are no longer whole.
I gave a heartfelt speech about my journey to feeling safe in the family and how they could support me in that. And my dad talked about shifting to a different masculinity not based on aggression. And we talked about the legacies of patriarchy in our family and relationships. Then all six of my brothers sang me happy birthday and put their hands on my shoulders and told me that they have my back and however they can support me, they will. And if I need to speak, they’ll listen. And if they’re doing something harmful, they’ll change. And they’re glad I spoke up. because I’m their sister and they want me to feel safe because they love me.
One of those cry in the car at the end of the day shoots. The stories today. Heartbreaking and renewing and filled with so much love. Meeting these organizers and seeing this work has led me to see just what happens when people wake up to their worth and power and come together: systems change and people and communities heal. It takes patience and persistence and collaboration. Ella baker center has been a part of closing 5 youth prisons, passing prop 47 which allowed thousands of people locked up for petty crimes to be released, getting 50% of Alameda county public safety dollars reallocated to community reinvestment instead of prison expansions…and so much more…I ended the day filming a huge group of their members holding hands singing assata:
It is our duty to fight for our freedom.
It is our duty to win.
We must love each other and support each other.
We have nothing to lose but our chains.